I am sharing with you my experience in raising my two children, a daughter and a son. I would like to tell you the mistakes that I made, the tears I shed, the problems I had to face, the crisis I had to go through, the agony I had to bear, the desperation that came upon me, and finally, the joy of seeing two fine individuals growing, maturing, refining, succeeding and contributing to the happiness of other people.
Part One
My daughter - Michele
I was born and grew up in Hong Kong . I got married when I was still a teenager, and had my first child, Michele, born immediately thereafter. I did not even know how to take care of myself, let alone be a mother. Therefore my daughter was being cared for and brought up by my in-laws until the age of 7.
At that time, the finance situation of my ex husband and myself became more steady and we were able to bring Michele back home with us and hired a maid to do the housework and care for her. Being a dedicated career woman, I have to admit that I had never been a good mother, I did not spend time playing, talking, caring or coaching Michele, I failed to give her the attention nor affection which she needed so much and, as a result, Michele and I were never very close. She had always wanted to go back to her grandparents.
When Michele was 13, I had my divorce with my ex husband. I was then immediately faced with the difficult situation where I had to take up the interior design business from my ex husband (who had lost interest in his business and carried a lot of debts) and at the same time, take up sole responsibility of raising Michele and her three year old brother, Kevin.
Before this, I had had worked as a secretary and had no formal training in interior design nor business management, but I knew I had to take up the business to
survive. It was such a struggle! I was all alone in handling problems, both in business and at home. (I can still remember the incident when I was handling a
complaint in the office with a client, I received a letter from Michele in England saying that she wanted to jump off the roof to commit suicide, at the same time, I received a telephone call from home telling me that Kevin was throwing a tantrum not wanting to do his homework.) Life was hard, really hard indeed.
Michele was very disturbed and hated me for divorcing her father. As a result, she failed in all her subjects in Hong Kong and had to continue her studies in England
She was in England Hong Kong before we immigrated to Canada Canada
I was extremely angry, I cried, I yelled and scolded her, I was so angry that, to release my anger, I hit on the table and broke my bracelet. I regarded her as a heavy burden which I wanted to be rid of, but what I did not realize was that her actions were mere results of my failure in fulfilling my duties as a mother. At this critical time, instead of scolding her and getting mad, I should be more understanding, caring, supportive, and guiding.
Looking back, I know she was only following my footsteps. Because, like me, she came from a family with parents quarrelling all the time and gave her scolding instead of love and support, she was very much looking forward to having her own nice warm family and would jump to any chance that came along. This is what we call “ family karma”.
It is very ironic. Although I love Michele, I did not know how to love her. Eventually she got married to a very nice young man, Ben, and has her own children. Later they also returned to reside in Hong Kong . However our relationship had not improved at all, we always argued, fought with each other and regarded each other unbearable.
At one time, she said to me: “If my own mother does not look up and respect me, how can I look up and respect myself?” The reason she said this was because I used to criticize her for the things she did wrong, hoping this would help her improve, and I failed to compliment and encourage her on the things that she did right and recognize her strengths.
In 1996, I started to take up Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhist practice and started chanting nam myo ho renge kyo. I learned about the theories of life, of cause and
effect and began to realize that whatever problems we are having, the cause lies within us. I also learn that by chanting nam myo ho renge kyo, we will have the wisdom, courage and life force to overcome any negative situations and turn them into benefits, but it all begins with our own human revolution, i.e. to change any aspects in ourselves that cause our own sufferings.
I began to change my attitude towards Michele. I tried to respect her as an individual, complimenting her on her achievements. At times of crisis I was ready to give her encouragement and support, but because her experience in the past was so bad, she was still grudging against me and cannot let go of the things that I did. She does not seem to be a happy person and can easily get angry, I can see myself (the old me) in her. As soon as I started talking to her, she would put herself on the defensive and we could not communicate.
I continued to try to make good our relationship, accepting the fact that the pain she gave me is just a result of the things I did to her. Then one day when I was chanting, I could feel that there was a big hole in her heart that needed to be filled, and when I chanted to the gohonzon, I was determined to use my daimoku (nam myo ho renge kyo) to fill up this hole. I also chanted for her happiness. At that time, although Michele also chants, she was not very active.
Meanwhile Michele came across major finance difficulties in her family and for this reason, she and her husband, Ben, began chanting vigorously and learn how to overcome their problems with our Buddhist philosophy. She and Ben also contributed and volunteered in a lot of SGI activities. In the process, she and Ben regained their confidence, happiness and are going through their own human revolution.
With our joint daimoku, I can feel that the hole in Michele’s heart is filling up. She begins to appreciate me, as a mother, more and more, and she is thankful of the things that I am doing for her and her family. She offered me advice when I had crisis with her brother Kevin. She is also helping me in giving guidance to and encouraging Kevin. She is very active in kosen rufu, supporting, encouraging and guiding people who come across her path who need help. Sometimes we even act as a team and contribute joint effort in kosen rufu to support other members.
I am very very happy and proud to have a daughter like Michele. Yes, we had had very difficult times, but with our Buddhist practice, which gives us faith, hope and courage, we were able to transform our problems into blessings.
Later I will tell you about my son, Kevin, in Part II of this story.
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